i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
