Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
