smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
