we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
