why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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