R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
