Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
