we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
