new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
