Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
