woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
