i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
