Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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