you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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