Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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