his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
