could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
