she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
