Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
