Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
