my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
