Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
