I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
