Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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