The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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