Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
