alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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