Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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