I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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