she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
