I think i peed on brittanys purse
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
