It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize