Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
