someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
