All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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