God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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