He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
