take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
my nose is crying tears of wow.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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