I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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