it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
