all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
