what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
