If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
