but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
