and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
