Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
