i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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