just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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