No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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