when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
