I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
