Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
