He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
