The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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