I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
