12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
