The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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