I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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