The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
