A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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